4 Reviews

Actually, two film reviews, a theatre review and an interview, all originally appearing on PBSfm.org.au.

Inside you'll find:
• The Devil Wears Prada
• Chariton’s Choir
• Hedwig and the Angry Inch
• Heath Franklin Interview

All material from this site is the property of Simon J. Green. Any unauthorised use is not permitted.

An Account of Toiletry

A short article on the many different types of toilets I've encountered.

All material from this site is the property of Simon J. Green. Any unauthorised use is not permitted.

Connex Cracked the Sads

I reckon (on the prompting of my girlfriend) that Connex, who were predictably canned for their brand damaging effort on Melbourne public transport, have cracked the shits. Like a spoiled school boy bitch, they've crossed their arms and whined, "Fine then!" before proceeding to bring the heaviest load of late, delayed and cancelled trains yet. Stories abound of friends tweeting, facebooking or talking like a normal person about having dreadful service.

I say this sitting at Flinders Street station after our train, already 5 minutes late, was announced to be delayed another 15.

Bloody sooks. You failed folks, sorry, but that's what happens when you're shithouse. Don't get me started on people who say Connex are scapegoats for the goverment's failures. They paid money to Connex to be resposible for the trains. RESPONSIBLE!!

Celebralypse

It's really sad that MJ died. I always maintained that despite the controversy, the man wrote friggin' kick-arse music and danced like a maniac. Very few folks had such a huge sense of showmanship - and Moonwalker was awesome. It's almost a pity he didn't die earlier to immortalise his fame in the same way Hutchence, Cobain and Morrison did before him. He would have avoided the darker part of the Jackson legend.
Either way, I'm gonna miss the guy's style and it's a shame we couldn't see the three year tour he had planned.

On a lighter note, my sister Amy and I came up with some cracking headlines if any journos need some for the passing of Farrah Fawcett. Ready? Ahem...(poor taste warning)

• Fawcett Turned Off.
• Fawcett's Last Drip.
• Farrah-way.

Pretty good, huh?

Images I Found...

...while writing the Future Movie News article. They didn't really relate to the post, but they were too hilarious to not put up somewhere.

News of the Future: Movie Edition

With nuclear spring coming early this year, we got a scoop preview on some of the blockbuster flicks headed to your cinegoggles in time for the holidays.

We'll be seeing the franchise film dominate playlists in 2132, with Michael Myers, Pumpkinhead and the kid's favourite green ogre, Shrek making the headlines.

Long time genre fans are keen to watch the unstoppable Michael Myers in his 35th appearance, Halloween 3: Murder Magnetism. With the Halloween behemoth in it's fourth cycle of remakes, we asked rap artist turned director The Terminus how he plans to keep the white faced killer fresh.

"What we gonna do is, we gonna bring him into the post-racial Mars environment. Myers has always been a creature of his time, but he adapts, right? That's what I remember from the first bunch of remakes anyway. So what we gonna do is make his mask black and see how he takes care of horny teenagers on colonised Mars n' shit."

Speaking of adapting, Hollywood loves innovation and with stabilised cloning celebrating it's 100th anniversary, Universal WarnerFox have scheduled two Pumpkinhead films to coincide. Both will be directed by American McGees, with McGee3 bringing us Pumpkinhead vs Pinhead while McGee4 works on the prequel to last year's box-office smash. Rumour of a deeper look into Pumpkinhead's origin was confirmed when the much loved auteur spoke to us Friday.

"Yes, we will indeed be examining Pumpkinhead's family life. We've got a great young actor from New Canada called Stewart Fung playing the baby demon... well, that is, his embryonic DNA will be used to synthesise a virus that turns little Fung into a mutant shaped as a pumpkinhead demon. We think people are going to love it, and the tie in with my cellular copy's Versus film should be great!"

The technique of giving birth to synthesised non-human characters is still facing controversy as protest groups complain decomposition of used bodies is nowhere near biodegradable enough. At present, city dumps are holding these scientific breakthroughs, but public health groups are demanding concession pricing so that cast off bodies can be put on litter-rockets launched weekly into space.

McGee4's response? "All I know is it's a hell of a lot cheaper than employing the CG guys!"

Lastly, one for the kiddies in the return of the King of Far, Far Away. Shrek was last seen trundling off into the sunset eight years ago in the memorable sign off film Shrek 46: Shrek of Green Gables. His offsider Puss in Boots has been carrying the Dreamworks franchise ever since, but his next outing will bring back the grumpy green giant. Multi-Oscar winning DirectorBot 239 has churned out the 58th Shrek film, titled Puss in Boots 3: Shrek, and Dreamworks spokesman Steven Green had this to say about the exciting come back:

"Look, we all love Puss in Boots. Some have said we love him more than Shrek or even Princess Fiona, but we took the public's temperature and they want a return to grass roots values. That's why, for this film, we did something a little different. Instead of feeding DirectorBot 239 a bunch of slightly outdated cultural references and letting him hack out a script that way, we fed him Christian propoganda and bibles. This new Shrek film is going to keep everyone where they should be: at home. And all to a hip cover of the Baha Men's classic, Who Let The Dogs Out."

With no cast, crew or even equipment outside of DirectorBot's internal processors, Puss in Boots 3: Shrek will be ready almost immediately after its announcement date.

That's it for movie news. This is Sylvia Staph, it's 2132 and you're watching E!²

What the World Needs Now...

Does anyone else love that in every single automated toilet around Melbourne, you're always serenaded by What The World Needs Now (is Love) by Burt Bacharach, played on muzak piano? So comforting, in the same way I feel whenever The Simspons is on the TV. It just feels safe and right.

Entry Songs

This is how it goes: I'm a douchey sort who is resistant to certain recording artists because my pretensions get in the way. I say, sometimes justifiably, "I won't listen to that band. I heard 'em on the radio and they are deservéd of my scorn." I then shut my blinds and masturbate with giant headphones on listening to 1990s alt-rock, crying nostalgically.

But sometimes there are one or two songs that crop up. I might be sick of Triple J's Aussie hiphop boner or Gold and Vega are both playing the exact same ad three times in a row. I switch to Fox or Double T (I don't care, they'll always be Double T to me!!) and hear a song I've gleaned snippets of before. Maybe I got a whiff in a clothing store and tapped my foot. Maybe it was buried in a movie soundtrack. I find myself digging this song by the artist I hate.

Usually it's a track that departs from the regular style propogated by the artist. For me, it's usually a bit more rokin', a bit more serious or a bit more moody. Sometimes it's straight up catchy-as-balls pop. Suddenly, my resolve melts and I think the phrase from which I can
never return: Hmm, they aren't so bad...

These songs are entry or gateway songs. They catch you off guard or slip in through the back door, and they're great for a band or singer to reach a broader audience. The funny thing is, accepting one song usually does lead to liking the rest, because the group's individual tale on melody, rythm, singing or playing becomes familiar to you and makes the rest of the back catalogue more accessible to you.

Just like maurijuana led me to impure cocaine, a well crafted pop song can lead you to puritanical ruin.

Media Watch testifies on The Chaser

http://www.abc.net.au/mediawatch/transcripts/s2592383.htm

Media Watch, whom I love dearly, tell it like it is. Funnily enough, I find the request by one radio DJ for listeners to find out Chaser addresses more irresponsible and wrong than the Chaser skit, yet I won't live to see the day right-wing Nazi nutcases are taken off the air...

The Chaser

You probably know the story. The media jumped right on it, and if
you're their typical, ignorant suburban moron of an audience, you got
sucked right up into the cretinous, transparent farce of outrage they
created. You didn't even bother to watch the sketch, as you were too
lazy to actually think for yourself and said 'I don't want to see that
filth.' Or worse, you watched it and weren't offended or even giggled,
but at work wouldn't dare express as such, as you have to tow the line.

And to be straightforward, 'the media' means tabloid newspaper (though
I struggle to see how the compromised drek they publish is news) The
Melbourne Herald Sun and its pathetic interstate equivalents. I mean
The Age, once something above bias blood boiling (or is that romantic
nostalgia lying to me?). I mean Channel 7, 9 and 10 news, who I know
for a fact will eschew the truth and gleefully ignore fact to put the
most sensationalist slant on events. I was in the news room of one of
them the day Heath Ledger died, and their treatment of hearsay as
newsworthy was disgusting and irresponsible.

I'm referring to The Chaser's 'Make a Realistic Wish' sketch and the
fact that the show has been suspended for two weeks by the ABC as a result.

I didn't want to be another gnattering online voice adding my words to
an already polluted pool of bullshit. I figured the furore would
simply go through the news cycle, receive overblown but cursory
attention and then disappear. The Chaser would go on doing what they'd
been doing: making occasionally controversial comedy in a free,
democratic first world country where you can say what you like, so
long as it isn't illegal, and be shut down if they don't rate well.

But things have gone too far. Now, free speech has been impinged upon. It
boils down to this age old paraphrase, "I don't like what you say, but
I'll fight to the death for your right to say it." The ABC however - a
channel that doesn't rely on advertising and thus can't even hide
behind the capitalist giant - has not only lowered its sword against
a rabid mob, but turned on its own and thrust.

How dare the ABC take punitive measures against The Chaser! Did the
Powers That Be not have a chance to view the show and decide the
material was too controversial? If they didn't view it then they are
the ones who were not doing as they should. If they did view the show
and let it pass, then they are hypocritical bastards for not sticking
to their convictions. Either way, whoever made the decision to
suspend is a pathetic coward. The ABC have effectively made the same
decision the public made in order to crucify The Chaser so; that The
Chaser truly meant to kick sick children and deliberately offend them
and their loved ones. The press release Chaser will send out shortly
says that of course they never meant to. And, honestly, even if they
did, they should bloody well be allowed to! Democracy and free speech
doesn't mean you can pick and choose. If you don't like what someone
says, you have every right to rebut. You don't have the right to
silence the speaker. If you want that, join the Taliban, you
sanctimonious, self-righteous pricks.

Is this the way it is now? You can only make content on TV if the
great unwashed masses are comfortable with it? I despise everyone who had a hand in this.

Note: I should mention that some of what I said is unfair. People in the city can be just as stupid and ignorant. Thank you.

Here is the contentious clip:

Get a Free Ticket

Get a free ticket if you travelled on PT in April. Looks like Connex couldn't fudge their records on this one. Boy I hope that company that do wonders in Japan scoop the Melbourne contract off those useless Connex bastards. Maybe they can try getting rid of those ridiculous under cover Inspectors and put the money to decent use instead.

I want to own one of these before they disappear!

So General Motors is being 60% nationalised and Canada's buying a big chunk of it too. Good news for the smaller companies and truly the end of the reign of corporations, but it means I may not be able to make enough money in time to buy one of these and look super pimp:

Or the GTA version, the PMP 600:

Click the pimpage for the article in question... seriously, we lived through the opposite of the great depression to see the corporate, private sector almost rule the world - but the great pendulum swings and now it's all shifting. Governments are important again! Weird.